Alarm clock screams.

You’re awake, mind rushing.

A happy hand silences the noise, and you say,

“Who can I fuck with today?”

Because you don’t have anything better to do–

like say, your job. You have decent employment that pays

your bills, and offers health insurance at a reasonable rate.

It’s still cool to bash Obama, so you make sure

to say something anti to your white liberal co-worker–just make sure

the blacks don’t hear–you’re opinionated, but you’re a pussy, too.

Or maybe you’re not–but you probably are–

so you’ll spout off only to your fellow Caucasians–

because fuck the Asians, too. And anyone else not derived from Smith.

Muslims are the devil incarnate. Planned Parenthood is managed by the Witches of Salem. Gays are depraved. Christianity is the only way–fuck the Jews. But don’t fuck the Jews so badly that Israel can’t fuck the Palestinians TO DEATH with the American dollar.

I’m a real American, damn it. I believe that the Constitution was designed and signed by Christians. Even though most of our founding fathers denounced organized religion, I know America was built upon the foundation of Christianity. So of course our schools should teach Christian values, even though Christianity is just another religion built upon the myths of Egyptian lore.









Catch a Chronic Illness

If you don’t have a chronic illness, I suggest you find one, grab hold of it, and hand over control. Life is much simpler when you have something legitimate to blame.

  1. If you feel like cutting out of work early, your illness is the best excuse to walk out in the middle of your shift, head held low in shame.
  2. If you wake up in the morning in so much pain that you cannot move, you can have your spouse call in for you; then you’ll have the whole day free to hurt in peace.
  3. When you decide your place of employment expects too much of you, you can apply for intermittent leave; if you’re approved, you’ll have as many days off a week as you want to cry, and question your value as a productive member of society.
  4. When you realize a life of leisure is better than punching a time clock, quit your job; questioning your value as a member of your family is only a small side-effect of giving up your job/career/income. Money…who needs it? Fulfillment…that’s what Netflix is for.
  5. Did you make plans with your friends, then decide you aren’t well enough to even shower and dress in grown up clothes? Chronic Illness will get you out of that dinner you’ve been looking forward to.
  6. Your daughter is playing her last band concert as a senior in high school? The chronic pain will excuse you from attending. You were never proud of her, anyway.
  7. Don’t feel like fucking your husband? Chronic pain.
  8. Don’t feel like grocery shopping? Or cooking a meal for your family? Chronic pain.
  9. Travelling to Grandma’s for Christmas is going to be a drag? Chronic pain.
  10. Too lazy to tie your own fucking shoes???

The benefits are limitless. Yes, you’ll have to explain yourself to your friends and family who are too goddamned ignorant or uncaring to understand. But fuck them. This is about you. Everything is about you, as it should be. Because you’re special–too goddamned good. This is your life, after all.

A Radical Proposal

Sickness hovers heavy over America–the political and religious vitriol, explosive diarrhea. Civil liberties and the pursuit for more have only upset the belly of this great nation. Eliminate freedom, and be rid of the shit storm. Simple.

Let us formally unite the church and state, and embrace a government dictated by Christian theocracy. I propose we all live under Conservative Evangelical rule. First we would eradicate all non-christian religion. Buh-bye, Jews–round two. Same goes for you, Native Americans. Buh-bye Muslims–you all hate America anyway. Atheists, you get the fuck out, too–you worship Satan. And Mexicans, well, a lot of you may be Christians, but we just don’t like you–you steal American jobs from all of the Americans lined up for the opportunity to pick apples for obscenely low wages.

Next, the removal of the sciences from public school, because science was created by Satan in order to propagate the myths of evolution and the existence of dinosaurs; the overturning of the SCOTUS ruling in favor of gay marriage, because gays–yuck, they’re only sub-human; the banning of contraceptives, and sex education in schools, because both of these evils just encourage teen sex, and sex out of wedlock; and the banning of abortions, especially, because women who seek abortions are godless whores, and initiate rape.

I know this is a radical proposal–a proposal that may cause worry. But fear not, and trust we will all be much safer and happier, surrounded by our own God blessed kind, behind the great Trump wall with every Tom, Dick, and Harry American citizen armed and loaded–because the one thing we’ve done right is to ensure every American has access to firearms.




Mumpty Me



stunning ill-temperament comprised of moodiness, grumpiness, and cuntiness

“Kindra Austin is a mumpty old lady.”

synonyms:  tetchy, waspish, ornery, asshole


*moody/grumpy/cunty: Mumpty is a word cleverly created by Stuart McEwan of the Forge.

Popular High School Bitches: a how-to guide

This is something I began a few years ago, but haven’t yet finished.

Popular High School Bitches:  A Rundown

Popular high school bitches have names such as, but not limited to Courtney, Tiffany, Britney and Jessica; they’re all eerily similar to one another, as if they’re specially designed, programmed, and manufactured in some kind of vile Twilight Zone bitch making factory. And oh, my gawd, they are totally like, fake. as. hell. Fake laughs, fake smiles, the embodiment of sarcasm and condescension, even though most can’t define either of those words.  But that’s okay.  Not all of them need to be intellectual in order to lead successful high school lives because they travel in packs, the subordinates being dictated by one higher brain.

Rule number one is Democracy does not exist in a clique of popular high school bitches. A casual observer wouldn’t know this fact, but a well-trained one is proficiently aware of the hierarchy. What qualifies a person as an expert on the group dynamics of popular high school bitches? Three things:  the person is a victim of torment; the person is an utter loser who idolizes the elite; the person is a popular high school bitch.

Popular High School Bitches: a How-To Guide is aimed at the undercat who wishes to find acceptance among this select group of young women and claw her way to the top.

Understanding Popularity

Popularity is a relative term. There is a difference between being well-liked and well-known.  There are many among your peers who have diverse interests, and who are well-liked by several different types of cliques and social clubs.  Popular high school bitches have more limited interests and typically only enjoy the company of their own kind.  They are not well-liked by and large, but that is an insignificant trade-off for being widely recognized.  If a bitch is really first-class, she could even be popular in neighboring districts. The most important thing to keep in mind is that anybody can be popular. The lead tuba player may very well be popular among her fellow band geeks, but that doesn’t mean every student is dying to become a member of the horn section.  A popular high school bitch is universally known and highly envied. Do keep in mind though, that the kind of respect given to a popular high school bitch is similar to the kind of respect one has for someone who is hated.  C’est la vie; just another insignificant trade-off to be the envy of all.

 Rankings and Group Dynamics

Just like any other group or organization, members of a popular high school bitch clan are given a rank. There is always one in a band of bitches that is the queen bitch; the leader; the chief; the captain; the master and commander, and in some Ivy League preparatory schools, Her Royal Highness.  It doesn’t matter what title she’s given, so long as the remaining bitches recognize that they are mere minions.  In fact, the term, “bitch better recognize” was famously coined by Betsy Jenkins, the first documented popular high school bitch, after one of her flock daringly wore the exact same coral-hued taffeta dress as she to the Milford High Sadie-Hawkins dance back in 1955.  The “bitch slap” was also born that night, and all of Connecticut felt the sting.  It is imperative to one’s survival to understand that a lesser bitch must never upstage Queenie.  If a lesser bitch is more attractive or more intelligent, even in the slightest, she must downplay these attributes, lest she be excommunicated, and become subject to torturous humiliation. Usurpation is the only way to escape such a fate. How do you usurp the crown? You beat the head bitches ass, just like you would in prison.   

In order for a group of bitches to function properly, numbers must not exceed five, including the dominate bitch. This inherent rule exists because it keeps the clique exclusive, and helps guard against mutiny.

All underlings must embrace their status and carry out their duties with a great sense of pride, because even though they may be treated as lesser bitches by the queen of bitches, their peers typically do not distinguish the shepherd from her flock. The only substantial thing separating a leader from her pack is attitude; typically, the leader is only the leader because she is marginally more pretentious and intimidating.  Money and privilege do not determine the head, nor do these determine lesser members, contrary to conventional beliefs.  Even if one should live in a trailer park, one could be a perfectly proper bitch, if one has the aptitude.

Roles and Code of Conduct

As mentioned, there is always a head bitch, an overseer, if you will, and this particular bitch has the responsibility and privilege to guide her flock. She makes nearly every decision; for example, extra-curricular activities of which the group will be involved, and whatever weekend social scenes they will attend are governed by the Queen of Sheba, notwithstanding occasional opposition.  Though a hierarchy does exist, understand that every popular high school bitch plays a pivotal role to the successful functioning of the group.  It is the obligation of all popular high school bitches to incite envy; to maintain the impression that she is superior to the general population; to defend the integrity of her clique. In order to fill her role effectively, a bitch accepts her specific function as antagonist with zeal, despite disparagement from the student body, and in some situations, the leader.

Inciting envy and maintaining superiority work simultaneously, and they rest upon the group integrity.  In order to incite envy, superiority must be established; in order for the idea of superiority to uphold, envy must always exist.  Defending the group integrity is arguably the most difficult obligation to fulfill, as popular high school bitches are even bigger attention-whores than the average female high school student. Skirmishes between members are highly likely and dangerous. If the group integrity is allowed to be damaged beyond repair, the clique risks disbandment, thereby turning its former members out into an uncontrolled student body, whose ravenous appetite for revenge will be satiated.  That being said, it is fairly common knowledge that cliques do experience the occasional and survivable turn-over; this is unfortunate for the bitch being removed, but great for replacement candidates.

The Three Obligations:  Incite, Maintain and Defend

Inciting envy is accomplished through attitude and appearance.  The style of a popular high school bitch typically varies from classically preppy to trend-setting from one day to the next.  Her hair is perfectly coiffed, never out of place. Her accessories are posh, never imitations.  Her teeth are inhumanly white and her skin is a stunning bronze because she never skips a bleaching or a session at the fake-n-bake.  All of this would be for naught if there was to be a lack of proper attitude.  Many of your female peers are attractively and expensively dressed, but they do not flaunt, and thereby do not command attention, which is why they do not belong with the elite.  A popular high school bitch knows how to command attention; she owns her pretentiousness; she is haughty and makes no apologies for her brashness.  And therein lays the envy; because even though a popular high school bitch is characteristically disliked for such attitudes and acts of degradation, there is a piece inside every one of her peers that wishes they were so bold and beautiful.

Maintaining superiority is not difficult so long as the group integrity remains intact and the bitches are consistent in attitude and remain fashion forward.  Contrary to popular belief, not every popular high school bitch is a Homecoming Queen or a member of Homecoming Court.  Although obtaining these titles can prove to be very effective ways to maintain superiority, the group integrity could be put at risk, as jealousy often causes too great a rift between the winner and the losers.  The decision for any group member to run for any type of popularity contest is solely up to the master and commander.  Cheerleading has a much lower risk for damage and is a more sure-fire way to maintain superiority because traditionally, popular high school bitches make up the majority of a cheerleading squad; there is virtually no chance of rejection, thereby nearly eliminating the factor of jealousy within the clique.  Another, more effective way to uphold station is to be involved in charitable works, such as food and clothing drives.  Many schools across the country organize drives and fundraisers to help support those people and communities who have been hit by misfortune.  Participating in such events has three benefits; a) it humanizes the bitches; b) it solidifies the clique as a team; c) it gives them even more opportunities to be better than their peers.

Defending group integrity is the responsibility of the entire clique. As mentioned, popularity contests should be avoided by all members.  A successful clique of popular high school bitches will also avoid engaging in lengthy conversations with those outside of their circle; this is because cliques of popular high school bitches are targets of sabotage. Occurrences of disbandment are too often attributed to members turning on one another just because of gossip generated by the student body. Even the Queen Bitch is susceptible to falling under the influence of slanderous rumors.  It is imperative to the survival of the clique that all members dismiss any unflattering talk regarding herself and her sisters.

Although the defense of group integrity is the responsibility of all, it is one that falls more heavily upon the underlings.  This is due to the head’s ridiculous ego.  There are many factors which may jeopardize integrity, but above all, the most detrimental contribution comes from the leader herself.  As mentioned, the lead bitch typically obtains her position by being marginally more pretentious and intimidating than her fellow bitches; in many cases, however, she does not acknowledge marginal, rather she grossly self-glorifies.  If her egocentricity grows out of control, it may become common practice for the lead bitch to berate and belittle individuals within her own circle.  It is imperative to the group integrity that the underlings express contrition and apologize to their master and commander for whatever it is they are being accused of or punished for.

Should an underling express to her fellowship that she has the desire to defend herself against the head with words or acts of defiance, the fellowship must take preventative action.  They must swear an oath of silence; no one is to tattle on the underling, lest the head make a rash decision to remove her subordinate from the clique.  They must offer sympathetic words and gestures; this calming behavior will allow for a more receptive reaction when the fellowship reminds the troubled underling that she is one of the elite, and such status comes with minor tribulations that all lesser bitches must overcome.  If the fellowship is unsuccessful in talking their sister down with kind logic, a browbeating may be in order; unfortunately, sometimes the only way to persuade a person to do what you want is to convince them that they are shit, and no one wants to be friends with shit.

Rhetorical questioning is often used in a browbeating, as this is a tried and true method of making a person feel like useless shit.  Questions should be fired, without pause, and they should contain profanities.  Who the (expletive) do you think you are? Who the (expletive) gave you the (expletive) idea that you’re so (expletive) special? You think you’re (expletive) better than every (expletive)body else? How the (expletive) do you expect to make it on your (expletive) own?  You stupid (expletive)!  Always end the questioning with a derogatory statement.