About Me–page not found

06

I have written and published eleventy “About Me” pages, only to go back and hit the trash a day later because each one plagued me at night; I’d wake up at bastard o’clock in the morning wondering, Am I really a cunt? All of my blasted attempts to write up a proper biography always seem to come out reading fucking cunty.

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I’ve taken the Funny Lady biography for a spin or twelve. Oh, look at me! I’m a proper Kristen Wiig. More like Kristen Stewart, bitch—which leads to the I’m Awkward and Don’t Know If Anyone Really Likes Me biography. I’ve also written up the Understated Writer biography. I’m a regular Hemmingway over here. That’s a goddamned lie. My favorite was the A&E biography. Kindra was born into one of the most fuckest-uppest families in Michigan, but she never let her parents’ inability to get their shit together drag her down.

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There are a few “About Me” pages on WordPress I’ve read that are poignant, genuine, and absolutely interesting. Perhaps I could employ one of these beautiful people to write my biography for me. Or visit the elementary school and get a kindergartner to do it. I actually like the latter idea better. My biography would read something like:

My name is Kindra. I wrote a book, and now I’m writing another one. I like to write for my blog on WordPress. I like my friends on WordPress. My favorite color is green. But not neon green. I don’t like neon colors. I have Fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia sucks donkey dick. Mean people suck donkey dicks, too. I like sticking up for people who are being hurt. I make the best homemade pizza in the galaxy. I love my husband. I love my daughter. I love my cat, Melvin. I love my dad, and my mom, and my sister. My sister is having a baby girl later this month. I love babies. I visited England once, and I want to visit again. I also want to go to Scotland and see my kindred spirit, Allane. My dream car is a 1970 AMC Javelin, because unicorns aren’t real, and unicorns are not cars.

The end.

87 Comments

  1. This turned out fine! Interesting, funny and sharp.

    There is always this question when writing an “about me” page. What do I sound like? Am I getting across as interesting, clever, a little funny, also humble -but not very- blah blah? Or do I sound like a talking posterior?
    Then comes the picture: which one to choose? Do I look like a person people would like to meet, or like a conceited bastard?
    It’s a struggle.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on SPO_OKY and commented:
    There are many, many writings by Kindra that I could share, but for me, this is classic her and it’s a no-brainer for me. I’ve known Kindra for many, many years now. I consider her my best friend, my kindred spirit and she is the best person that I’ve never met. We connected through writing and humour – as this blog so eloquently illustrates, but there are so many other facets to her and to our friendship.

    I’m the worst reblogger. I want to reblog so many things, but I’m starting here, with Kindra, because (as I mention in the comments) SHE is the reason I’m here.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wrote my ‘about me’ page and never looked back. I knew if I did, that it would drive me crazy, too. I’m a reader who skips the intro, doesn’t research the writer’s life, but looks to experience the text just as it is—no outside influence. Oh, and I never use the c-word. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha! I think women can say it, as well as the b-word, but it’s definitely not okay for a guy to say. Okay…I may have called inanimate objects the b-word when they don’t behave the way I’d like. Lol. I, also, may have been close to saying the c-word after watching an Irvine Welsh movie. I get a weird kind of Tourette’s after Scottish or Irish movies that lasts for days.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Haha, I think you’ve written your about page… But you should never be hard on yourself. You’re not a cunt and you have this wicked funny streak which has to be loved!
    Didn’t know your fav colour was green though lol 😜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This should be your about page. You should add more as you think of them, but don’t delete the others. Have lots of them! They’re all about you. I’m all about you, too! 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Bahahaha. I think this is the best ‘About Me’ I’ve ever readed (and ditto, thank you for the mention). I read other people’s and think ‘fuck. I wish I’d thought of that!’. I looked back at my early blogs yesterday and felt like a damned fool. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry at the sheer cuntiness of my writing. I considered deleting the vast majority of them, but I didn’t and today I’m glad I didn’t. I wish you’d kept the eleventy ones you binned.

    There’s something you should know, Special K. YOU touch my heart. You did then and you sure as hell do now. You’ve made me laugh more times than Kristen Wiig ever did and you’ve made me cry (in a good way) as only a kindred can. You have lifted me and listened to me and you’ve been there for me when I needed you.

    You ARE the reason I’m here!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. She is the fury and violence of a wave crashing upon the shore…she is also the gentle deep breath the ocean takes as the water rushes back out to sea…leaving your sand o’re turned…never to be the same again

    That’s how I see your literary power mixed with your personality, Lady. ❤🛡❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I was going to say something snarky like, “I’m not taking applications for best friends,” and then say “J/K LOL.” Then I decided not to say that, and instead say, “Of course! Because we are a good match!” ❤

      Like

  8. You are not a c**t, Oh I won’t tell my former Physics tutor that unicorns aren’t real it will crush him. Pleased you Love your family including Melvin Cornelius your cat. I hope you do return to England. Don’t be hard on yourself. ❤❤💃🐭 love from Adnama72 xx

    Liked by 1 person

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