Discount Rap

To Whom It May Concern:

I am a writer. Many writers consider writing an art form. I am one of those writers. I’m also an artist–mostly pencil and pen, but do I love to paint. Or at least I did love to paint back when I could afford the supplies to support my painting hobby. Pencils and sketch pads, and coloring books and crayons/colored pencils/markers are much cheaper. Yes, I’m a member of the adult coloring book movement–I need to fucking relax damn it! I like elephants, kitties doing people things, and letters that spell out swear words the best. Five points to the house that can correctly guess my favorite word to color in with Crayola and/or Sharpies.

I fucking love Sharpie markers. Especially the two-ended ones.

So, like writers, musicians are artists. I love music. Music is a necessity to me. When I was ten years old, I taught myself how to play Silent Night on my Yamaha keyboard. I was damned proud of myself until I heard my friend across the street play fucking Chopin on her mother’s upright piano. Fuck you, Keri Keifer. But mostly because you killed your mother with a baseball bat when you were nineteen. Do they have a piano for you to play in the psych ward? Seriously, I know it wasn’t your fault. Schizophrenia is not your fault. I have loads of fond memories of you and your family, and I hope you still play the piano.

I love the piano. Piano is second to violin. Third is trumpet, because Nicole plays trumpet. In high school band, when Nicole was a senior, she tried to get the band director to teach Tusk for the football half-time show, but the students were like, “We’re fucking stupid, and we don’t know who Fleetwood Mac is, and Tusk sounds fucking lame.” And Nicole was like, “You guys are fucking losers. Fleetwood Mac is awesome, and Tusk is the fucking balls.” So naturally, the band director did not teach his students one of the best arrangements in the history of music. Granted, he himself was unfamiliar with Fleetwood Mac, being a dude in his mid-twenties. It’s a goddamned shame, parents don’t teach their kids right anymore. Nicole knows all the best books, movies, and music. Because her mom and dad raised her right, ffs. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with people, letting their kids grow up ignorant. In fifth grade, Nicole was reading The Diary of Anne Frank. Her classmate asked her what the book was about, and Nicole said, “Are you kidding? Anne Frank? Emilee, it’s about Nazis,” and before she could give more detail, Emilee said, “Nicole, you know I don’t listen to the same music you do.” True story.

Emilee listens to Country, I think. Lots of people where I live listen to Country. I don’t like Country unless it’s Dwight Yoakam, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Waylon Jennings. Okay, so I like There’s Your Trouble, by the Dixie Chicks, but that is it! Maybe Achy Breaky Heart. But that is it! And Black Bear Road, by C.W. McCall. I listen to Black Bear Road on repeat, no lie. That’s it. Period. End. Until someone reminds me of some fucking George Strait song, or some shit. OH! Patsy Cline. Damn, Patsy Cline–she’s the Queen.

My tolerance for rap is even lower. Are you Twista? No? Then get the fuck outta my face. Are you straight outta Compton? No? Get to steppin’. MOST importantly, are you a Rap God??? Are you my Superman? Do you run with Dr. Dre? No? Bitch, leave my house, now. Eminem is King–a proper poet, which leads me to the point of this letter.

Some discount Eazy-E motherfucker liked twelve of my poems yesterday, and commented on all of them. The comments were only links to his SoundCloud. Like, he just randomly selected posts to attach his link to, and said nothing else. I understand shit like this happens. I understand the hustle. Fuck, I want people to read my book, ffs, but I don’t hit up random folks and leave my link on random posts. That’s fucking rude. Have some fucking manners, dude. Buy me dinner first. I’m a lady, motherfucker.

And P.S. I listened to one of your tracks, and you fucking suck hard, dude. Like, if I had a dick to go with my big brass balls, I would have wept in legit pain listening to your tired-ass raps. Only one dude can pull of the stoned sound, and that’s Snoop. Do us all a favor, and go home to sober up, you marble mouthed monstrosity. And quit auto-commenting. Damn.

Sincerely,

Kindra, someone with taste

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

75 Comments

  1. Fucking genius. I love how your rants are so digressive…and genuinely shocking. One minute you are fucking hating the Chopin playing girl and then next she is doing a Lizzie Borden (Seriously aghast at this) before taking down Country (I am with you in this one Kindra, love Johnny Cash though, and Tammy’s Stand by you Man is good as well) before discharging full barrels into linking freeloaders (I sincerely hope I have never done this, sometimes I include links but it usually has some relevance). Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you Kindra, you are 21st Century Swift in the making (who was Surrealist in malice according to Andre Breton). Kudos.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jesus fuck, Cake, to call me a 21st Swift is THE best compliment I have ever had…oh, but one of my friends has called me a Steinbeck, too, and that is also lovely. Anyway, thank you. I’m experiencing heart palpitations right now. And please do not ever categorize yourself with the fucktard I was attacking in this post. I welcome your links, as we are often in the midst of conversation and sharing our thoughts when you send them. Your links have relevance. This guy was a straight up pimp. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Swift is one of my heros, as you know. A Modest Proposal is still the template for irony, however I was thinking more of a tale of a tub. When he let rip he really let rip. Anyway I don’t flatter lightly, there is a resemblance, it is the sustained ire.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. He was always in the unfortunate position of being more intelligent that the people he relied on for position and employment… and he could never bite his tongue. Such is life, the spineless, the arse-lickers, the toadying sycophants

            Liked by 1 person

          2. For realz. When I think about how much he must have rolled his eyes at his peers, it makes me dizzy. Some people were born in the wrong in the time. And others were/are doomed to never fit in. Swift was a doomed man. Even today, people roll their eyes at Swift. Because they are fucking dumb. Like, they’re the geology club. >>>dumber than a box rocks.

            Liked by 1 person

          3. Yes he pissed and what on them from a great height but they carried on because that is there natural element. Hence the scatological nature of his work which people are so uncomfortable with. Hence his genius.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a master class in controlled ranting. I loved every second… And I’ll have to read it many times. But listen to my song! I just dropped a track! I can’t find it! It might be under the couch!
    Anyway, I am a member of the adult coloring… Posse? Also. I have “published” many of my “pieces” on my blog. They’re worthy of a museum…… ‘s refrigerator door. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I just read this again. It’s so fucking funny and so YOU in MS days. I love this. I just laughed out loud again – and I’m in a shit mood, so THANK you for that. I told Ash the Nazi story. She smiled. I was driving so I didn’t see her roll her eyes, but I’m sure I heard them rolling. X

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I could tell, you went for it both barrels then further with the dick comments lol. What I found funniest is you then went all cute and lady like saying take a lady to dinner and that.
        Whereabouts in the world are you? You’re up all the time it seems lol

        Liked by 1 person

          1. I cry a lot. But for real, I just wait for it to pass. I watch late night TV, usually shitty Lifetime movies. If I go into day three without sleep, I’ll get fucked up on Benadryl just to sleep a few hours.

            Like

  4. Ash has always been like that too. With her though, it’s music and travel. Her peers (not all, but in general) are unaware of how big the world is. At school they got asked to place cities in the UK into a map and one kid in her class put a Scottish city in England. She came home all confused and told me about it hahaha.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hahahaha. There are so many reasons why I love this blog, that I don’t know HOW to start commenting! I love the Anne Frank story the best. I took my kids to Holland and we visited the house. Disgustingly atmospheric. I can’t tell you how sad it is there. Now I can’t wait to tell Ash that story…gawd. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Nicole was just fucking sick about that conversation with her friend. She just couldn’t understand why she KNEW about Anne Frank and her friend didn’t. And Nicole is smart, you know that. At that age though, she just didn’t get why she knew things other kids didn’t.

      Liked by 1 person

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