Confessional

One week from today, I venture into the drug induced dark abyss so that I may become bionic. In the case I am made into Sleeping Beauty, I figure now is the optimal time to confess my sins, lest I turn yell-uh!

  1. Jim, that one time you asked me if I’d farted during our favorite television program, I vehemently answered, “no.” I lied.
  2. Andrea, the last time I came to stay at your house, you accused your brother of drinking up your tea. I played dumb…but it was me.
  3. Nicole, when you were still living at home, I used to go into your bedroom and hunt for candy. If I found candy, I would eat it.
  4. The very first time I delivered a reading at 8 a.m. mass, I was still drunk from the night before. In my defense, I was out celebrating my birthday. And, after service, I was congratulated for doing so well.
  5. Once, at Burger King, I ordered a water, but at the self-serve station, I filled my cup with Sprite. Then I felt guilty, and poured it out.
  6. Mom, when I was a teen, I used to steal cigarettes from you when you were passed out. Also, I stole cigarettes from your boyfriend(s). But most especially from Ken, because he was a colossal douche.
  7. Oh, and Mom, I was the one who poured the rest of your beer down the kitchen sink the morning after my fourteenth birthday party. But you probably figured that out a long time ago.
  8. Jim, despite my denial, I do fart in bed sometimes. I can’t help it! I suffer from IBS.
  9. Sometimes I let people call me by the wrong name because I can’t be arsed correcting them. Now when I see these people, I have to answer to the names Kristy, and Kimber, and Margaret(???).
  10. I am not a fan of Jane Austen, aside from “Mansfield Park.”
  11. I still like the “Twilight” movies, despite my recent denial.
  12. When I “quit” smoking, I used to return cans and bottles for cigarette money. But, I promise, I do not smoke anymore.
  13. Jim, I’m sorry, but I don’t like your tater-tot casserole.
  14. Nicole, I knew when I broke your portable CD player when you were like, eight. It was an accident.
  15. I only pretend to like the program “Wheeler Dealers.” Sorry, Jim.
  16. Yes, you Fuckhead neighbors, I did break into your garage last summer (to get to the dog food). Poor Blue had been outside all day in the heat, and his dish was empty.
  17. I think Wuthering Heights is about the biggest piece of shit literature I’ve ever read.
  18. I voted Third-Party, though not a sin to me.
  19. At the bar one night, like ten years ago, a lesbian kissed me (without tongue). That is not a sin to me. Her lips were petal soft, and she sang Janis Joplin songs better than Janis (not really, but close).
  20. I went to a seedy strip-club once, and one of the dancers looked like my (first) step-mother. I gave her a five dollar tip. P.S. my first step-mother was a hoe.
  21. I call certain people a “hoe,” and I feel no remorse.
  22. I stole make-up from the hoe when I was thirteen. The make-up didn’t help her anyway.
  23. Nicole, I never told you (before now) that you chew with your mouth open, and the sound makes me lose the will to live.
  24. I said I was sorry eleventy times in my life, when I didn’t mean it.
  25. I love Michael Bolton.

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