About Me: the (soon-to-be) bionic woman with less fantastic hair

Shit is about to get real, my friends. Due to rheumatoid arthritis in my hips, I am having my right one replaced on February 3. Too bad the surgery won’t also relieve my Fibromyalgia.

Sidebar: Since 2014, I have had blood work done eleventy fucking times. And eleventy of those times, I was cleared of any rheumatoid factors. “You have osteoarthritis,” my doctor said. Then I had to have a colonoscopy. I was ordered special blood work to find out if I had an autoimmune disease, and fuck me, there is in fact a rheumatoid factor factoring the fuck out of my life. Rheumatoid arthritis is the fuckest uppest.  At least Fibromyalgia is non-progressive. Or so “they” say.

I’ve forgotten what it feels like to walk properly, and stand up straight. My surgeon is optimistic that I will get a great deal of relief from the replacement. Super. I hope he is as confident that he won’t kill or maim me. I’m joking; but only a little.

I try to focus on the trivial, rather than unlikely outcomes.

  1. No showers for the duration of my hospital stay. The standard is one week. If I do well, I could go home in as little as 3-5 days.
  2. Will I be able to brush my teeth?
  3. Do I have to remain in a gown after the surgery? And most importantly, can I wear my bra?
  4. My hair will be a fucking wreck. An oily, matted wreck. Will they allow me my dry shampoo?
  5. I used to work at this particular hospital. Is everyone going to want to come and chat me up?
  6. Is my roommate going to try to chat me up? Oh, the agony!!!
  7. I don’t want to eat hospital food. I require obscenely large sammiches.
  8. What if my mother refuses to leave the hospital? I don’t need her to spend the night!
  9. I don’t want a bed nearest the door. People walking the halls always look in at the poor folks nearest the door. Oh, I wonder what’s wrong with her??? 
  10. Loud visitors. Fuuuhhhh…

The only plus is WordPress is installed on my phone. These clowns better behave, or they will be featured in some very swearing rants.

 

 

21 Comments

  1. Hi there. I’m new to the RA world and blogging world. I’m sorry that you’re needing surgery and hope all goes well. I really enjoyed this post, I like your attitude! RA sucks and I hope I can get to a point where I can laugh about it. You put a smile on my face (eleventy fucking times!!!). Omg, I know that feeling… Thank you and hope you are doing well ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Unwelcome news aside, your attitude towards this new situation is inspired. Take the bad, cram it into a pouch entitled ‘Fuck You’ and then proceed to smash, bang and wallop that little bitch until you’re back at home swimming in sammiches, shampoo and a butt load of braziers so plentiful you can make some ear muffs too.

    The best of wishes to you dear Kindra.

    Liked by 3 people

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