Shit is about to get real, my friends. Due to rheumatoid arthritis in my hips, I am having my right one replaced on February 3. Too bad the surgery won’t also relieve my Fibromyalgia.
Sidebar: Since 2014, I have had blood work done eleventy fucking times. And eleventy of those times, I was cleared of any rheumatoid factors. “You have osteoarthritis,” my doctor said. Then I had to have a colonoscopy. I was ordered special blood work to find out if I had an autoimmune disease, and fuck me, there is in fact a rheumatoid factor factoring the fuck out of my life. Rheumatoid arthritis is the fuckest uppest. At least Fibromyalgia is non-progressive. Or so “they” say.
I’ve forgotten what it feels like to walk properly, and stand up straight. My surgeon is optimistic that I will get a great deal of relief from the replacement. Super. I hope he is as confident that he won’t kill or maim me. I’m joking; but only a little.
I try to focus on the trivial, rather than unlikely outcomes.
- No showers for the duration of my hospital stay. The standard is one week. If I do well, I could go home in as little as 3-5 days.
- Will I be able to brush my teeth?
- Do I have to remain in a gown after the surgery? And most importantly, can I wear my bra?
- My hair will be a fucking wreck. An oily, matted wreck. Will they allow me my dry shampoo?
- I used to work at this particular hospital. Is everyone going to want to come and chat me up?
- Is my roommate going to try to chat me up? Oh, the agony!!!
- I don’t want to eat hospital food. I require obscenely large sammiches.
- What if my mother refuses to leave the hospital? I don’t need her to spend the night!
- I don’t want a bed nearest the door. People walking the halls always look in at the poor folks nearest the door. Oh, I wonder what’s wrong with her???
- Loud visitors. Fuuuhhhh…
The only plus is WordPress is installed on my phone. These clowns better behave, or they will be featured in some very swearing rants.