Dear Sir or Madam,
Admittedly, I do not eat candy regularly, so my opinion means fuck all to you, I’m sure. Nonetheless, I feel it is my duty as a consumer to inform you, the Wrigley Company/Mars Inc. that a grave injustice has been perpetrated against all who love the lime flavored Skittle. Green apple replaced the lime Skittle in 2013–I had no knowledge of this until today. Imagine the distress I felt this afternoon as my taste buds were brutally assaulted by this heinous impostor dressed in green.
I cannot pretend to know the struggles your company must overcome to remain relevant in the colorful, fruity confectionery sea; though I can guess the pressure to be perpetually fresh and exciting is great. Had you decided to change strawberry to cherry, I wouldn’t be angry beyond consolation. Because swapping those two flavors is a fuck ton more logical than taking away the beloved lime flavor, and tossing us the vomitous green apple. Seriously, what the hell damn fart is wrong with you people? If you were to display piles of strawberries, grapes, lemons, limes, oranges, and green apples, then ask a five year old which fruit is least like the others, that child would tell you the goddamned green apple is least like the others. Because they learned about differences from Sesame Street–a program you clearly have never watched.
I don’t really expect you to right this wrong. But I would love to see you shove a green apple up your ass, then remove it, and take a bite. Because that is what green apple Skittles taste like, you stupid twat.
Kindra M. Austin